We Never Change- Coldplay

There's times, when things just seem so pointless. So hopeless.
C is gone. I break down and e-mail him sometimes. I might get a response. I might not. By next year, I won't even know what country he will be in. He could be across the world, and I won't know. Right now, when the weight of the loneliness crushes into me, I can picture him sitting in that blue bedroom. His hair disheleved and his earphones in, or a guitar cradled in his arms. I can picture those sleepy eyes and his paintings in the background.
By next year, I won't have anything to picture.
I wonder sometimes, if he is simply my security. The person I want when everything else goes wrong.
That is when I feel like I need him the most. When everything else crumples around me. It happens sometimes. Where everything just goes wrong, and nothing seems to fit together anymore. The moment that sometimes just hits me, full force, and all I can do is lay in my bedroom with music on and let my thoughts flow. In this moment, I want him. Need him. He's always been my stable. My rock. The person that holds me down.
Or, if I'm being honest, he's the person who picks me up and flies me away. Takes me away from all of this and brings me to where I need to be. He levels me, calms me, then carefully places me back into real life.
But not anymore. Now, when things fall apart, I have no one.
I have a best friend. Two, to be more accurate. There's A. She's the one who always makes me feel better, the keeper of my secrets, the one who listens to my pointless stories. She's the shoulder I cry on and the other Hostess cupcake. She's been my best friend for five years. I depend on her. This is always a bad thing, I know. When you depend on someone, they tend to disappear. But we've had five years going strong, so I like to think that maybe A is the one person who will stay.
Then there's S. He's tall and wide and has a wild mop of curly hair. He wears baggy t-shirts and has the loudest chuckle I've ever heard. He listens to up-beat music from the eighties and is always ready with a bear hug.
Or used to be. That was the S I knew and loved.
He's not like that anymore. Now, S lost all his baby fat and became surprisingly muscled, thanks to countless in the school gym. He bought a new wadrobe, and covers his curls with a hat. He's smoother and cooler and more polite. His hugs are a little more tenative.
I know what happened to him. S, fell in love with me. I saw it happen, and I let it happen. It was a crush at first. It used to flatter me. But then we became best friends, and I wanted it to go away. I thought it did. But this summer it came back, full force. He told me once. That he loved me. I pretended I didn't hear. Me and S were close. We had a connection, a bond. We had our fights but nothing could really come in between us.
Except for this. His love. It was bigger than us. Neither of us could deal with it.
Then, before I knew it had happened, we stopped being friends.
It was slow, gradual. Then, there was the cincher.
I started dating G.
What is essential to understand here, is that I am not in love with G. I like him. A lot. I'm comfortable with him, and he makes me laugh, and our hands fit together naturally. We're a good couple, on the surface.
I didn't think about it, when we started officially dating. It just happened. We were with each other every weekend, and he walked me to class, and called me baby, and eventually it just happened. We already acted like a couple anyway.
I didn't think about S. I don't know if it broke his heart. I don't know if he even had feelings for me anymore. All I knew, was that my best friend was pulling away from me, smoothly and steadily.
It happens more and more everyday. I watch a little desperately, a little unsure. I don't know what I can do to stop it.
But like everything else, it just happened.

I sometimes wonder, if I am in love with S. Not in the way I love C. In a completely different, opposite way.
But still, in a way.
I can't be in love with S.
Yet I wonder...