immediate love, is the most dangerous kind.
you fall in love with someone before you can stop yourself. it just happens. it's that instant connection, that silvery spark, that unstoppable need.
but then you get to know them. and you see that they aren't the person you thought they were at all. and you're stuck, being in love with someone who does not exist.
we often cling to the person they became, because they are the closest thing we have to the person they were.
don't do this.
they will never be enough.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Center of Attention- Jackson Waters
I realized something today.
Running away isn't going to help anything.
Going to Spain, is not going to change things for me. It's just going to make me more lost. I have a home here, a life here. True, I don't like some of the people around me. I don't like the way most of the people at my school act. They way they are. I don't like how everything is so fake in high school, the way parties are the highlight of a week. I don't like the way people turn on each other so easily, and the way girls allow themselves to be used.
But that's just life.
It's going to be there wherever I go. And here, I've already established things. I know who and what I need, and who and what I don't. Going somewhere else will just require me to find it all over again. I went through that process last year, finding myself in high school. It wasn't fun. It basically just one big struggle, flitting from thing to thing, person to person, trying to find where I was supposed to be.
And now I've found it. I have a boyfriend that I love. We haven't said it yet, the I Love You's. I promised C once, that I would never tell anyone else that I loved them. I always thought I would be betraying him by doing it. But now I see, that I'm betraying myself by not.
Because I think I do love him. In a different way that I loved C, and S. C was my one love, maybe my true love, my soul mate. S was my comfortable love, my brother love.
And G... G is my smiling love.
He makes me happy. I am happy. So why run away?
Running away isn't going to help anything.
Going to Spain, is not going to change things for me. It's just going to make me more lost. I have a home here, a life here. True, I don't like some of the people around me. I don't like the way most of the people at my school act. They way they are. I don't like how everything is so fake in high school, the way parties are the highlight of a week. I don't like the way people turn on each other so easily, and the way girls allow themselves to be used.
But that's just life.
It's going to be there wherever I go. And here, I've already established things. I know who and what I need, and who and what I don't. Going somewhere else will just require me to find it all over again. I went through that process last year, finding myself in high school. It wasn't fun. It basically just one big struggle, flitting from thing to thing, person to person, trying to find where I was supposed to be.
And now I've found it. I have a boyfriend that I love. We haven't said it yet, the I Love You's. I promised C once, that I would never tell anyone else that I loved them. I always thought I would be betraying him by doing it. But now I see, that I'm betraying myself by not.
Because I think I do love him. In a different way that I loved C, and S. C was my one love, maybe my true love, my soul mate. S was my comfortable love, my brother love.
And G... G is my smiling love.
He makes me happy. I am happy. So why run away?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Moving Forward- Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
it's valentines day in a week.
last valentines day, i was talking to c. i remember just feeling so desperately sad. it was the first time i was with someone i loved on that day . and i couldn't even be with them.
but i got over it . looked past the sadness and moved onto the next day. like i always did. just overlooked the fact that i was not happy. accepted it. dealt with it. embraced it, even.
not this year. this year, i will be with G on valentines. we agreed not to do presents. it's basically just a holiday for the greeting card companies anyway. i don't want any chocolate that will only make me fat, or some cheesy teddy bear. instead, he's going to make me crepes.
G and his crepes . he makes these crepes at night sometimes. they aren't very good. but i love them anyway. he fills his with peanut butter and bananas and a mix of things just to prove to me that his is better than mine. since i fill mine just with chocolate chips. milk chocolate ones , the kind they only ever have at his house. and then he ends up eating half of mine anyways.
he's making crepes. and i'm making him a cd.
it sounds to me, like a pretty damn good valentines day.
heres to being happy
last valentines day, i was talking to c. i remember just feeling so desperately sad. it was the first time i was with someone i loved on that day . and i couldn't even be with them.
but i got over it . looked past the sadness and moved onto the next day. like i always did. just overlooked the fact that i was not happy. accepted it. dealt with it. embraced it, even.
not this year. this year, i will be with G on valentines. we agreed not to do presents. it's basically just a holiday for the greeting card companies anyway. i don't want any chocolate that will only make me fat, or some cheesy teddy bear. instead, he's going to make me crepes.
G and his crepes . he makes these crepes at night sometimes. they aren't very good. but i love them anyway. he fills his with peanut butter and bananas and a mix of things just to prove to me that his is better than mine. since i fill mine just with chocolate chips. milk chocolate ones , the kind they only ever have at his house. and then he ends up eating half of mine anyways.
he's making crepes. and i'm making him a cd.
it sounds to me, like a pretty damn good valentines day.
heres to being happy
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Lua- Bright Eyes
I got an email from C last night. It was just an attatchment. Two songs.
They are heartbreaking of course. I sat on my floor, hestitantly eyeing up my computer, hovering over the play button. When I got up the courage to click it, I found myself crying in seconds. I cried the entire way through each song. For eleven minutes in total. I waited until they were both finished, then I exited iTunes and put away my computer without listening to them again. I dried my eyes and climbed into bed, and texted G. I was happy within seconds.
It's amazing, how much I find myself liking him. I love his crooked smile and his warm hands and the way he looks when he plays basketball. I love the way I can spend endless hours just sitting on his couch with him, without ever getting bored. I love the feeling he gives me. Warm and stable and bubbly, like a smile on the inside.
They are heartbreaking of course. I sat on my floor, hestitantly eyeing up my computer, hovering over the play button. When I got up the courage to click it, I found myself crying in seconds. I cried the entire way through each song. For eleven minutes in total. I waited until they were both finished, then I exited iTunes and put away my computer without listening to them again. I dried my eyes and climbed into bed, and texted G. I was happy within seconds.
It's amazing, how much I find myself liking him. I love his crooked smile and his warm hands and the way he looks when he plays basketball. I love the way I can spend endless hours just sitting on his couch with him, without ever getting bored. I love the feeling he gives me. Warm and stable and bubbly, like a smile on the inside.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Fast Car- Tracy Chapman
Sometimes I think that the only way out of everything, is to just leave.
I just want to start over sometimes. Clean slate, fresh plate.. all of that.
I have a good life. I can't complain. I know this, and yet I cannot understand why it does not make me happy. I have a good family, a nice house, a good school. I have amazing friends and a boyfriend who makes me smile everyday. I have everything I always thought I would want.
Except for one thing.
He made me sad more than he made me happy.
But our future. The idea of that made me happy. I know it would have been amazing. It would have been everything I wanted out of a life. There would have been strawberry poptarts for breakfast, and a house by the ocean. There would have been years and years of travel. Dreams would have been followed. Love would be everywhere. There would been Lilly and Madeline. Noah and James. There would have been red silk sheets. There would have been music. Fights over whether we would listen to Neil Young or Billy Joel. There would be songs written for me, and novels written for him. Maybe about him.
It was all ideas, dreams, thoughts. I know this. Yet it's still hard to let go of it.
When you spend your whole life wanting something, and then it's given to you just for a moment. Just long enough for you to see how amazing it really is. How much you need it. It fills that part of you that you never knew was missing.
But now that part of me is gone. He is gone. I can't spend my whole life waiting for him. Yet I don't know what else to do. My purpose, has always been to wait for him. To be here when he comes. And now he is not coming, and I don't know what to do with myself.
Then I had my idea. I would leave. I would go somewhere where everything is different and new. Somewhere far away. So far away, that it will become impossible that I ever even knew him.
I know he will never disappear.
But I will get myself as far away as possible. Try my hardest.
This is why, I am applying for an exchange to Spain.
I just want to start over sometimes. Clean slate, fresh plate.. all of that.
I have a good life. I can't complain. I know this, and yet I cannot understand why it does not make me happy. I have a good family, a nice house, a good school. I have amazing friends and a boyfriend who makes me smile everyday. I have everything I always thought I would want.
Except for one thing.
He made me sad more than he made me happy.
But our future. The idea of that made me happy. I know it would have been amazing. It would have been everything I wanted out of a life. There would have been strawberry poptarts for breakfast, and a house by the ocean. There would have been years and years of travel. Dreams would have been followed. Love would be everywhere. There would been Lilly and Madeline. Noah and James. There would have been red silk sheets. There would have been music. Fights over whether we would listen to Neil Young or Billy Joel. There would be songs written for me, and novels written for him. Maybe about him.
It was all ideas, dreams, thoughts. I know this. Yet it's still hard to let go of it.
When you spend your whole life wanting something, and then it's given to you just for a moment. Just long enough for you to see how amazing it really is. How much you need it. It fills that part of you that you never knew was missing.
But now that part of me is gone. He is gone. I can't spend my whole life waiting for him. Yet I don't know what else to do. My purpose, has always been to wait for him. To be here when he comes. And now he is not coming, and I don't know what to do with myself.
Then I had my idea. I would leave. I would go somewhere where everything is different and new. Somewhere far away. So far away, that it will become impossible that I ever even knew him.
I know he will never disappear.
But I will get myself as far away as possible. Try my hardest.
This is why, I am applying for an exchange to Spain.
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